There are some things that I would like to elaborate on.  I've had a lot of contact from people about my last post on Ruthless Truth.  Their responses have run the gambit from contempt to agreement.  There've been a lot of questions.  First, let me be clear:  I am not enlightened--I don't for a second believe that I am.  I am on their list because they believe knowing an insight makes you enlightened.  The knowing is not the important part.  They're lost in their fixation, cannot even see how it consumes their thoughts.  It is a very nice insight.  But there are more powerful insights, there is more to explore.

The idea of no self can be downright damaging.  Some may be fine with damaging others for some unattainable goal of world enlightenment, but their view on humanity is rather skewed.  It is not a dangerous insight.  But when the idea is clung to, it can become dangerous.  RT may wish to deny it, but just look at how many people have left (they consider anyone who leaves to be abandoning humanity--rather than embracing humanity), the "endarkenment" so many have described, destructive and dangerous behaviors, the loss of motivation, etc. 

This single insight does not untangle the webs of human suffering.  It is not liberation; it is not utter freedom.  You are not handing people some prize long sought-after.  You are not enlightening them.  You are passing a flashlight over the webs, perhaps.  But without further searching and finding and then everything that comes after that (accepting?), the insight will sink a person into despair.  The illusion of self is still right there.  You know it's not real, but how easy to buy into everything again!  A person is still trapped--they just know it now.

I have connected no you to lack of separation--you and I being the same, since the beginning.  I'm still not sure on this, not positive.  I try to pinpoint where I end and you begin, and I cannot.  I feel the connection, I sense it.  We are expressions of the same thing.

Something that someone early on said to me that struck me was: 
Now you know what you are not; what are you?

It confused the hell out of me and as my ego was still running rampant when I was asked, I responded as any intellectual would:  I scoffed at it and ignored it.  I didn't understand, so I shoved it aside.  It was obviously so wrong.  What a question!  Pfft.

But it wouldn't leave me alone.  It crept into my thoughts, and I'd find myself puzzling over it.  And the same egoic reasoning which squelched discovery and deemed the inquiry an unworthy endeavor--that same ego rose up again and demanded the question be puzzled out.  In some capacity, I had long been trying to make sense of it--before the question had ever been asked of me.

I know there is no separation.  This was the first clue to the path I journeyed down.  That I still continue exploring.

I think I have the first inkling of what I am-and I am somewhat shamed in that I was derisive of people who had already pointed me in that direction.  I am an expression of the Divine.  Manifestation of awareness.  One teacher I spoke with told me, "You became the World to enter Experience so you could meet yourself."

I'm not clear on any of this.  Wading through the bullshit to get to the substance.  Ruthless Truth sought to be the ending of a path people had long been on.  But I had never been on any such path at all, had indeed no knowledge or really interest in any of this stuff.  Yet RT started my journey.  All things begin somewhere.  I am just saddened so many think it is the end, or that it is so powerful.  It is not.  It is just an insight, amid a plethora of much deeper and much more beneficial insights.

I did have a lot of very personal things on here, but I deleted them months and months ago, mostly out of fear of who might read it.  I didn't pull punches with what happened to me--I just laid it out bare.  I still don't know if it was the right decision to pull it from wandering about on the internet.  I may post it back up.  Why not be honest?  My past is a mess, but I shouldn't let it haunt me so.  Admitting to it, facing it . . .

I also went on a trip down memory lane and glanced through my livejournals.  I must say I am proud to be where I am, even if I know "I" didn't make that journey.  :)  It's been a helluva ride, and I am glad to still be here.

I wrote this in November.  It was my attempt to make a list of what I want in a relationship, under the suggestion of my marriage counselor.  I think more attention might be beneficial, and I would like input on what you think you need in a relationship to be happy.


Love
Want best for each other
Place importance on relationship-demonstrate by making choices to show its priority
That excitement when about to see each other
Butterflies and all
Happiness in each others presence
Hugs and kisses regularly
Holding hands
Cuddling
Willingness to make sacrifices



Companionship / Friendship
Talk freely
Interest in same things
Think the same things are important/ interesting—share them
Walking path together
Share
Explore
Shared sense of humor
Enjoy spending time together doing things
Pursue common interests together yet still have individual activities
Support each other in pursuing things
Ability to talk candidly
Can say things without the other person pouting about it or acting negatively
Go out and have fun
Have dates together
Have common friends—enjoy the same people together
Do things on own and not feel guilt about it
Listen with interest-not just listening for a pause to speak in


Trust
Believe in what the other says
Know that the other will follow through
No empty promises
Faith
Security in own person
Not needing the other person to define or complete you


Common Goals
Going in same direction
Want same things: children, lifestyle, job
Open to new experiences
Want to live life—experience for sake of experience
Share same values
Willingness to stand up for values; conviction
Have same ideas about raising children
Value hard work
Share and build up dreams

Passion
Excitement
Joy, direction
Lust for life
Sex
Physical attraction
Not using sex manipulatively
Emotional needs met, not just sexual



~

It's been a while since I had a blog/online journal.  I remember the days of livejournal and how cathartic that was.  How enjoyable.  The introspection was good, I think. 

And now I stand upon a great divide:  Do I go this way or do I go that way?  I'm not sure; I wish someone else could make a foolproof decision for me.  But only I can decide which way to go is the right way.  I am so tired of being in this limbo. 

But I see nothing to gain from making a decision right now.  I will be on vacation in a week, spending almost a month away.  A chance to clear my mind, to dream again, to not feel encumbered or pressured.  This previous schoolyear has been especially trying; my intention is to indulge in my vacation--have a lot of fun, relax.  The time away will tell me what I need to know.  I know I shall return with an answer about my marriage, but I also hope to have answers for other things as well.

Toward this end, I think I will use this website for my thoughts while on vacation.

Wow, I have had so many people pop out of the woodwork!  I am glad to hear from you, and I make this post in an attempt to hear more from you good people.

I'm reminded of "It's a Small World."  How true.

Where are you on your journey?  Where have you gone?  What have you found?  Please share any words or links that show where your thoughts and emotions have wandered--even if something proved to be a dead-end for you.

My email for private messages:  dreamerawakened1 at gmail dot com .  Ah, hubris.  :)

Wow, not posted in here in a long time.  But seeing as how there are some new readers:

Hello, (semi-fellow) atheists!  I'm not truly an atheist, as I do believe in God--but God is not some deity to me.  God is me, you, my dog, the grass, the air, love, peace, hate, everything.  I usually don't wanna get into all that, and since most people don't regard God as such--I just tend to say I'm an atheist.  But the truth is, I fit into no-man's land.

I could "defend" myself here, but I truly have nothing to defend.  Did I come with less-than-stellar reasons?  Sure.  But I was not the first--nope, I followed the path.  I stayed because I enjoyed the people there, and I found many to be knowledgeable.  I wasn't looking for targets or any such--and I certain wasn't some sleeper cell, but I did get a really big laugh out of that.  I never requested to be banned; not sure where that came from. 

So, just thought I would say hello since you're looking.  And this wasn't a secret.  I had it as a link in my signature for a long time.

Also:  The only post where I was anything less than honest or myself was the one about ghosts, but that was because a member told me their idea which sounded fun at the time.  Turned out not to be.  Oh, well.  But everything else?  The truth.  I've embraced the necessity to be honest, and I wasn't feeding "personal" stories to gain trust or whatever.  I was just being honest.  Probably too honest.  But that is me now, who I have chosen to be.  So I am messy and dramatic and sometimes annoying.  I am honest, and I don't care for posturing.  So I just wanted to let whoever reads this know:  I never lied.

 I was still smashing mismatched pieces together and hoping they would form a lovely picture of me.